Review #9: On Indian Food

Indian food is delicious. But expensive (unless you go to Panna II, which is a delight on so many levels) (and while we're on the subject, does anyone want to be a gentrifier and go to Jackson Heights with me?). So Trader Joe's Indian food should be wonderful: they're usually great at "ethnic" food (see: tamales, pizzas, a lot of the boxed Asian noodle dishes), and you essentially get food that usually costs sixteen dollars for under five.

But the tradeoff: it's not great. While I happily scarfed down their Palak Paneer after TJ's visits, impressed by the novelty and the spirit of making something so foreign and delicious, the consistency is awful and the tastes are off. On the other hand, the naan is good, especially if you oven it, but what sort of bread isn't good when you put it in the oven? While previously I'd been disappointed by the mushy pouches, today I had the worst TJ's microwavable Indian fare by far: half a microwavable meal of rice and "chicken" (I think maybe it was tofu? it was three or four small mushy cubes in a thin red sauce), and veggie samosas. It microwaved poorly and congealed into one big mush. Ugh. Save cheap Indian fare to cheap Indian restaurants; TJ's Indian, we're through.

Review #8: Steamers

Back in a simpler time - before the iPhone, Facebook, and Jon and Kate Plus 8 - my parents weren't divorced. And during this time, approximately twice a summer my parents would bring home "steamers" - fresh clams you would take out of the shell, remove this weird black residue from, and eat in garlic butter. Somewhat hard work, but delicious. One big happy family. Steamers.

As an avid seafood fan, I was hit with both nostalgia and delight when seeing the new TJ's Frozen Steamers at the Brooklyn location. I bought some (under five dollars, I believe), put them in the freezer, and forgot - until this Monday, when I microwaved them for the instructed five and a half minutes and put them in a pasta with mushrooms and lackluster oversized frozen Trader Joe's broccoli.

But this isn't a review about broccoli (if it were, I'd give it five out of ten stars). It's about steamers. And these were mediocre. There was no payoff for the hard work of de-shelling every clam, and the mild embarrassment and smell of eating shellfish in a tiny shared office. There was a fair amount of grit - sand? broken shell? - in the steamers, and they just didn't taste that great. Trader Joe's has otherwise great fish products (mahi tuna, seafood cakes, and according to Jamie, the fish sticks), and so it's best to leave the fresh shellfish to the beach and my family's past to the past, and not recommend this product.

Review #7: Low-Fat Chicken Lo Mein

Trader Joe's - or should I say, paternalistically and a bit uncomfortably, Trader Ming's - "low fat" chicken lo mein tastes pretty awesome. It's not quite as good texturally as a fine Chinese bistro or when you get it from one of those hole-in-the-wall Chinese places where you order by pointing at glow-up pictures, but it's close, doesn't taste low-fat at all, and is in the upper tier of Trader Ming's products I've tried for sure. By which I mean, the chicken tastes normal. Cooking it takes a couple of steps, so it's something best to prepare before you go to work. My only real qualm: a paltry serving. Split in half, the bag is really not enough for two lunches: best to supplement with some mixed greens and/or a couple of Trader Joe's veggie dumplings (very highly recommended, although my coworkers asked "what smells like onion bagels").

Review #3: Frozen Chicken (in its many forms)

Like getting close to a live chicken, Trader Joe's frozen chicken products should be approached with caution. The Asian stir-fry chicken meals - the kind that come in the large foil bags and are often of the Orange or Teriyaki variety - are consistantly bad. While the sauce is "accurate-tasting," no matter how long you cook it for, the texture is strange, and it's stringy at all the worst times. I usually end up throwing out half the cooked pieces. The bags usually just run under five dollars; I feel like it's worth it to go to your local Panda Express or what have you and get the real thing. However, their frozen chicken breasts are utilitarian and fine; easy to defrost or microwave, and able to cook into whatever you want. And, as a component of other frozen dishes (chicken tamales, for example, or chicken dumplings), TJ's has yet to mess up.

Review #2: Trader Joe’s Chimichurri Rice

I bought this on a whim a few weeks ago, reasoning my life needed more adventure and spice. Trader Joe’s Chimichurri Rice sang to me from the freezer. Muy Caliente! However, this shit is seriously hot. I give it a 5 out of 10, the taste was good when I could taste, but its sinus-clearing hot.